8th September 1989
Drawing deeply on the cigarette I closed my eyes searching for a sense of peace and acceptance.
It was my wedding day!
The dream one week before had told me it would be ok. I had awoken feeling uplifted and joyful. Mary had met me at an underpass in the dream and told me what I must do. She was my Father’s Mother who had passed on aged 21-we had never met but I had always sensed her presence in my life as a Spirit guide. Right from the first time I took an aversion to feathers and was told that was just like Mary. Perhaps she was speaking to me that day –when I was a little girl. I just knew that the dream was unusual and the feeling stayed with me for days. Here I was now about to move into alignment with her guidance and take the vows.
I stood up ready to take the next step.
“Make me a channel of your peace” the congregation sang in full tilt.
I stood praying for courage to take this momentous step.
Repeating my vows I stood gazing at the new rings that now adorned my left ring finger. I was now a married woman with a new name.
The sun shone through the stained glass windows of the church marking us out ;
The golden couple standing at the altar.
How strange is this life I reflected and how little we know of what will be asked of us next!
Well wishers hugged us and we thanked them for attending our wedding. Glancing over at my new husband, all seemed well –he looked flushed and happy. I silently prayed life would work out and that children and normal everyday joys would bind us together and help me forget the momentous events of last year.
Something within told me that I was doing the right thing. After all I had wanted to get married last year and our argument over commitment had led to a 6 month break-up. I may never have gone on holiday and met someone else if we had been together. I knew that and in many ways it seemed natural that we had come full circle and he had come back to me and apologised for all the hurt he had caused.
“No more lonely nights” played as our first dance and we held each other glad to be together and wed at last.
A few months after our wedding and it was all decided . We would leave in January and start a new life together working as volunteers in an aid project with VSO (Voluntary Services Overseas) We were excited about doing this and felt this was an important step in our life together. Service to others seemed natural and uplifting for both of us. The Minister had commended our decision publicly at our wedding and it felt to me like this was God’s Will for my life.
I completed my Sick childrens training and waited in anticipation of a date and destination. I wanted to go as far away as possible from this old life and make a fresh start, hoping this would bring us happiness!
So I continued to study astrology and did some nurse agency work to help with paying the bills.
However as much as I tried to return to normal, the all too familiar fatigue set in and like the previous year I wondered what on earth was the matter with me!
Mood swings,insomnia and feeling like I was just “not right” anymore made it hard to live in harmony. I lapsed between my new fantasy world that had started in Corfu in July the previous year and the reality that no longer held my attention.
I lost my confidence,feeling like I was on the edge of madness and would likely be committed to a mental hospital if I did tell anyone of my previous experiences on holiday the year before- and so I just locked it inside. I clung to any semblance of normality and hoped life would return to normal again-pre Corfu days-before I lost my way!!
I would storm out of our flat in the west end after our frequent arguments and berate God for dealing me this hand. Then just as quickly decide that I needed to learn something from my husband, accept that I was married and in doing so my fantasy lover would one day magically appear to make it and me all better!
By late Spring of 1990 I fell ill with flu and due to the ongoing range of odd symptoms I had began to delve into complementary healing methods looking for relief from the constant attack on my health and mind! It felt like my body was a battlefield and instead of helping heal others through my work I no longer had any feeling of certainty from one day to the next of my own health!
A few months later than planned -June 1990 and at last we received a call from VSO London
Nepal, the senior placement officer told us would be our destination. Working in a nursing campus teaching student nurses basic nursing care. It was next to the Indian border and about 200 miles South of Kathmandu.
Having always wanted to go to Nepal it sounded like it was a great way to experience a new culture, be of service and escape from my past that felt unresolvable and to bury the holiday in Corfu as far away from this reality as I could possibly make it! I was ready to reconcile myself with my decision to be married -and be happy that I had made it!
“There is a candle in your heart,
ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul,
ready to be filled.
You feel it, don’t you?
You feel the separation
from the Beloved.
Invite Him to fill you up,
embrace the fire.
Remind those who tell you otherwise,
comes to you of its own accord,
and the yearning for it
cannot be learned in any school.”